I've been reflecting a lot lately on the various romantic relationships I've had over the course of my life and considering the many difficulties and emotional roller coasters that came with them. I can recall so many insecurities, conflicts, joys, adventures, and most importantly, the lessons. Something that stood out to me about all these relationships was the fact that they are in the past and all ended with a cliche break up chat that many of us are all too familiar with. The old "it's not you, it's me" routine.
As I reflected on these past relationships and break up chats, I gave a lot of thought to the cliche "It's not you, it's me" statement, and I'm starting to think that there's a lot more to a romantic break up than we realise. A similar sentiment applies in any relationship, not just the romantic ones.
When I think about all the times I've ended a relationship, romantic or otherwise, it's because something inside of me was urging me to move forward. Sometimes it was subtle, like a twinge in my gut that something just isn't right, or a moment of clarity when I could see a misalignment of values. Sometimes it was a bigger signal, like an argument, or a moment of feeling so low that I would shut down and withdraw completely from any sort of connection. It was in these moments that I saw parts of myself that I didn't like very much OR I saw parts of myself that I really liked that were being attacked or supressed.
What I'm trying to say is that these break up conversations were more than just a chat about ending a relationship with the other person but ending a relationship with a version of myself that was no longer the best version of me. So, when I'm letting go of a relationship that isn't right for me, I'm also letting go of a version of myself. I have been breaking up with two people at once every time I ended a relationship. No wonder it felt so hard!
I share this to impress upon you the idea that when we are growing and evolving there will be some sense of loss. We are breaking up with the parts of ourselves that are out of alignment with who we are now in this moment. This doesn't mean that those parts of us are lost forever, they are still pieces of our whole self and represent the many lifetimes and phases of existence we have experienced. We may even experience moments of living into those parts again at various times. However, in the moment of transition or evolution we will be feeling the sting of losing someone who has been a constant for us during a significant period.
It is perfectly normal to feel a bit of emotional turmoil when going on the journey of living as your best self. Because being our best self is ever changing and that person looks different at any given moment and that's okay. Being our best self might also mean ending the relationship with ourselves as we've known it up to now, so we can start a new and better relationship in the present moment, which will take us to the next relationship in the future. It's all part of the process.
So the next time you're feeling that push to move forward and there's a part of you trying to keep you stuck, pull out that trusty cliche "it's not you, it's me" and take the plunge into letting go of that old relationship and start your new and exciting relationship with your best self.